Your Girlfriend's Emotional Reactions Explained!!!

If you are a man who has ever been in a relationship with a woman, you have probably experienced what you think are random emotional reactions to entirely unrelated stimuli.

For instance, you could be standing around with your girlfriend, thinking about something like this:

But somehow, she believes that in reality, you're thinking this:

Contrary to what you might think, your girlfriend isn't doing this to drive you crazy. While both of you are designed to experience complex thoughts, your girlfriend has been practicing appearing happy while she is upset her whole life. When I was little, girls were encouraged to behave "like girls" (read: suppress anger) and whenever we reacted in a violent or aggressive fashion, we got comments like, "Don't behave like a boy," whereas boys were allowed to "be boys" - and even if one wound up grounded, he was subsequently vindicated. I remember this quote from Buffy the Vampire Slayer: "A black eye heals, but cowardice has an unlimited shelf life!"

To make it worse, the popular girls in school were always the sunny, girly, falsely-syrupy-sweet type who went out of their way to let the boys do the loud talking, and despised all girls that didn't share their passive-aggressive--clucking-chickens-in-a-coop attitude. For a long time, it didn't occur to me that *they* were mean and cold, not me. If I sound bitter, it's only because all of my attempts to befriend the popular girls, from elementary school all the way through graduate school, went like this:

That experience is a story for another time, but the point is, your girlfriend has been well trained to appear falsely happy even when she's nervous and tense. If you got yourself a self-confident nerdy girl who appears not to care about what anyone thinks, you better be sure that she spent a lot of time as a little girl crying by herself to achieve this psychological state.

So I am here to help you deal with some of the more common random emotional reactions to unrelated stimuli, and possibly, help you improve your relationship. You'll be so glad. Really.

1. She Asks "Is Something Wrong?" When Obviously, Nothing Is Wrong

There you are, standing around with your girl, feeling content about your relationship, when suddenly, this happens:

To you, this question appears to have come out of nowhere. In reality, your girlfriend has been thinking about this question since you both woke up this morning and she caught you looking sad in the kitchen. The fact that you looked sad because you had discovered that you were out of ground coffee is irrelevant. She assumes that somehow, the fact that you were upset is her fault, and she assumes this is true even if there is absolutely no logical way that it can be.

In this case, the greatest mistake you can make is engaging her worries. Do not do this, unless you're prepared for a really really really really long conversation:

Instead, try to deflect her attention. If you can sneak in a compliment into your response, you may be able to get her thinking about the compliment instead of whatever evil intentions she may have assigned to you in her head:

If you can deliver this sentence in a very convincing manner, you'll be golden. Most women would like to think that their boyfriends/husbands think Julia Roberts looks like a warthog.

2. You Make a Suggestion, and She Reacts As If It Is an Order

You must understand that if your girlfriend/wife attended a college that isn't Brigham Young, she will likely have learned about women's history in America, which is mostly this:

a. Man and Female Property get married.

b. Female Property becomes pregnant.

c. Male and Female relatives alike hope for a boy.

d. A girl (Mini Property) is born.

e. Before Female Property even stops bleeding from the first childbirth, Man starts talking about "trying for a boy."

Of course, there were men even then who didn't want a woman without a personality. Now, at the very least, men are allowed to take their desires for a woman with a personality public.

But the reason that the woman has a personality is because she has learned to stay away from insecure and aggressive men. Often, the male desire to control doesn't come out in a relationship until months, and maybe even years, have passed. She knows this from taking Wife Beaters and Emotional Manipulators 104, and even though she truly doesn't *believe* that you're this way, her inner strong woman feels the need to defend herself.

As a result, you may find yourself in a situation such as this:

I know that in this situation, you may feel somewhat emasculated. I guarantee that this is not your girlfriend's intent. In fact, she's usually delighted that you do manly things, like take her bag when you're going to the airport or offer to take out her extremely heavy bag of trash - or look all hungry-with-wanting at her whenever she walks around the house in nothing but panties and combat boots.

But for whatever reason, today her I'm Sick Of Chauvinism characteristic has come to the surface - and it has nothing to do with hating men generally, or hating you specifically. Let me give you an example:

I went to a job interview where the male interviewer suggested that I may be 'too confident' - and after it hit me that this sentence is something a man would never say to another man, I wanted to go back and quite literally, bite his mouth off his face, so that he'd never say it to anyone again. I spent the day brooding, thinking that women would be fucked over forever and ever and that every man on the planet was ultimately a controlling motherfucker who wanted me to become Female Property.

But then I visited HawkingGirl, and her two year old son gave me a big kiss, and said, cutely mispronouncing my name, "HI HI HI EN!" and then I had hope for men again.

I understand that you may not have a cute two year old boy at your disposal, so my suggestion is that early on in your relationship, you acquire an arsenal of cute stuffed animals to present to her when she turns into a ball of extreme rage:

Of course, there are certain days when this won't help, and instead, this will happen:

In this situation, I suggest moving carefully out of her line of vision and staying out of her way until her mind has stopped grouping you in with The 1890's Man Who Wants to Keep Her Down.

3. You Make a Small Criticism about an Ultimately Insignificant Problem, and She Acts as if the Relationship is Over

This story usually unfolds like this:

What you are probably thinking when you approach her is: "Why can she NEVER remember that the dishwasher does not scrub plates?"

But what she's thinking you're thinking is: "SHE IS THE WORST GIRLFRIEND OF ALL TIME AND I HATE HER WITH A FIERY VENGEANCE!"

And so, if you encounter this scenario, do not under any circumstances do this:

If you do not make her cry, you will make her angry, and she will turn around and say, "Oh yeah? You're the one that blah blah blah!!!" - and then once again, you're in a really really really really long conversation.

So, if you have a girlfriend with a tendency to do this, my suggestion is:

Wait. She'll get over this one eventually.

Probably.

I hope this helps you, boyfriend or husband. Now go, acquire stuffed animals!

-V