Six Ways to Extreme Sexiness

Warning: these pictures are dangerously sexy. Looking at them could cause you to explode from sexual insanity.

Through extremely difficult research, I have discovered that the most common interest people have on the internet is sex. And while I have been writing about sex peripherally, I have not yet had the capability to sell myself as a sexual object, which is how women often become famous on the internet.

Because I am almost supernaturally sexy, I thought that I would make a blog where people can take my radiating sexiness into themselves and convert it into pure solar energy:

So in addition to promoting my sexiness, I can also improve the environment. That's what you kids are into these days, right?

To help myself achieve fame, I took out a bunch of back issues of Cosmopolitan and Victoria's Secret and browsed through a bunch of Facebook photos to see what people were doing to appear as sexy as possible. I also asked some friends, observed a few girls flirting in bars, and went into my own history to access my most sexy inner - and outer - self.

And folks, I think I really succeeded.

I will now demonstrate for you my knowledge of sexy, which according to Wikipedia means, "describing sexual attraction in humans," whereas Oxford English Dictionary insists it means, "sexually attractive or exciting," which makes me believe that Wikipedia, like every other piece of media, is trying to get us to think in a uniform, socially-acceptable way.

Anyway, here it is. The sexiest photo collective of all time. The photo collective that will make you go, "I MUST read this girl's blog every day, so I can experience a soul-drip of sexy. I must have this level of sexy to survive.

1. "Men like long hair, and they like for you to wear red."

Source: Many men in my real life, over many years. Some in the media.

In college, an older man (older is a relative term here, he was about the age I am now) told me that I should wear more red, and he also told me that I should keep my hair long. I chopped it off at the end of college, but then I got really lazy, and now it's grown almost to my waist again.

He's not the only one to have told me that exact line. I've heard from other male associates that long hair and red are very appealing to the male bull-running-at-matador psyche. From what I've noticed in my magazines, very sexy women also do not smile at the camera but scowl as if to say, "It hurts me in my sensitive region to be so sexy."

And I'm definitely not one to disregard valuable advice, so I let my hair down, put on some red, and made a come-hither-right-now look at the camera. Be careful, now. This picture could make the Leaning Tower of Pisa stand erect:

Alright. Take a deep breath. Try to cool down. There's more coming up.

2. "Taking photos in bathrooms is hot."

Source: Facebook, MySpace, Etcetera

On Facebook, I have noticed that a lot of people take pictures of themselves in bathrooms. I realize that people do this because most of the time, the bathroom has the largest mirror in the house and it's the only way one can take a picture of oneself with a crappy phone camera from farther away than two feet.

But it's still a weird habit. I mean, maybe I'm crazy, but when *I* go to the bathroom and I've just flushed the toilet and I'm washing my hands in front of bright fluorescent bathroom mirror lights, I do not think to myself, "You know what would be hot? Taking a picture with the toilet in the background."

But apparently, I am the crazy one. I accept that this actually might be the case. Thus, I took a picture of myself in the bathroom so that I can increase my overall extreme sexiness appeal. I also took it from an extra-hot angle, which is also a classic technique of Social Networking photography.

Read my blog! I AM A BATHROOM SEXPOT.

3. "Randomly lifting your arms to your head like you're being yelled at by the police is hot."

Source: Victoria's Secret, Other Fashion Magazines

This is a technique I often see on Victoria's Secret. I have no idea what the hell this move is supposed to represent, but typically, you've got this woman that's running in the surf on a beach, and she's looking at the camera with her arms positioned like this:

Usually, the model looks completely at ease with herself like, "I lift my arms over my head for pictures all the time!"

In reality, no one would ever think to do this naturally in front of a camera, ever. The gesture frankly reminds me of a police holdup, and I maintain that it is somewhat creepy:

Nevertheless, Victoria's Secret is successful and I am not, so here you go:

Do you not feel overwhelmed with crunchy sexy flavors?

4. "Smile."

5. "Hang out in the It Crowd."

Source: See "Tattoo sleeves that would be original if everyone I know didn't have them too," "My new band is even newer than your new band," and "I *only* drink microbrews…"

This is the part that takes my sexiness to a personal, deep, and meaningful level.

Since neither my roommate nor I are from Portland, we are trying to meet friends here. However, we have noticed that many people in Portland hang out in the It Crowd, which is actually impossible to break into, unless you are a self-righteous prick who will actually go out of your way to avoid getting to know certain kinds of people so that you can maintain a poorly-founded hatred of them.

What you need to be in the It Crowd also requires more money than I have the capability to spend. My roommate Terror said she saw a Smiths shirts in Portland that looked vintage and cool, and then she discovered that it was a mass-produced, pre-beaten Smiths shirt for like 30 dollars, and she was like "this is a lieeeeee!!!' Also, tattoo sleeves are extremely expensive. And no matter how many pre-ripped 100-dollar jeans you buy on your daddy's credit card, I've got news for you:

What defines the It Crowd is the fact that the It Crowd believes vehemently that it is the It Crowd. I don't really understand how people with this personality type make friends, because it would seem to me to be difficult to meet people when you are filled with hate to the brim. I guess it has to go like this:

My roommate Terror generously volunteered to use her face for an accurate representation of people in the It Crowd. In case you don't know anything at all about this critical demographic, I will break it down for you:

1. Eyes:

a. distant, couldn't-be-bothered

b. blatantly vacant

2. Mouth:

a. distant, couldn't-be-bothered

b. blatantly vacant

3. General demeanor

a. See above.

b. See above.

So here is our attempt to fit in with the It Crowd:

PLEASE CALL US, IT CROWD! YOU SEE, WE ARE COOL LIKE YOU!! Zombie Nephrologists Ate My Zygote's album, "Everything Sucks So Hard I Want To Fuck You In The Eyeball" was the best album ever!!

6. "Display your animalistic tendencies to get your man to that primal state."

Source: I read something like this in Cosmopolitan, which suggested that hard backscratches, biting, nibbling, and other "animalistic" behavior would really get a man going.

Anyway, I always notice that most women who display "animalistic tendencies" do things like stretch themselves out, rest in a sexy fashion on their forearms, and generally, perform a variety of catlike maneuvers.

I think this is incorrect, and frankly, not sexy. The Great Ape, after all, is our greatest relative, and if we as women want to display our more animalistic tendencies to men, we need to strive to be closer to the great Ape.

I also read somewhere that American men like the girl next door, so in this photo, I am demonstrating to you my animalistic tendencies while dressed up, more or less, like the colors of the American flag:

I believe that covers most, if not all, there is to sexiness. I would keep going, but I know that at this point, you are on the brink of total sexual explosion orgasmic annihilation, and I wouldn't want to make it any more overwhelming for you.

So if you're reading this, Cosmopolitan- I know that you know I'm the sexiest thing you've ever seen. I could also use some cash. It's a win-win situation Cosmopolitan. You hire me, and I take your magazine from sexy - to extreme!!!

-V