Six Ways to Extreme Sexiness

Warning: these pictures are dangerously sexy. Looking at them could cause you to explode from sexual insanity.

Through extremely difficult research, I have discovered that the most common interest people have on the internet is sex. And while I have been writing about sex peripherally, I have not yet had the capability to sell myself as a sexual object, which is how women often become famous on the internet.

Because I am almost supernaturally sexy, I thought that I would make a blog where people can take my radiating sexiness into themselves and convert it into pure solar energy:

So in addition to promoting my sexiness, I can also improve the environment. That's what you kids are into these days, right?

To help myself achieve fame, I took out a bunch of back issues of Cosmopolitan and Victoria's Secret and browsed through a bunch of Facebook photos to see what people were doing to appear as sexy as possible. I also asked some friends, observed a few girls flirting in bars, and went into my own history to access my most sexy inner - and outer - self.

And folks, I think I really succeeded.

I will now demonstrate for you my knowledge of sexy, which according to Wikipedia means, "describing sexual attraction in humans," whereas Oxford English Dictionary insists it means, "sexually attractive or exciting," which makes me believe that Wikipedia, like every other piece of media, is trying to get us to think in a uniform, socially-acceptable way.

Anyway, here it is. The sexiest photo collective of all time. The photo collective that will make you go, "I MUST read this girl's blog every day, so I can experience a soul-drip of sexy. I must have this level of sexy to survive.

1. "Men like long hair, and they like for you to wear red."

Source: Many men in my real life, over many years. Some in the media.

In college, an older man (older is a relative term here, he was about the age I am now) told me that I should wear more red, and he also told me that I should keep my hair long. I chopped it off at the end of college, but then I got really lazy, and now it's grown almost to my waist again.

He's not the only one to have told me that exact line. I've heard from other male associates that long hair and red are very appealing to the male bull-running-at-matador psyche. From what I've noticed in my magazines, very sexy women also do not smile at the camera but scowl as if to say, "It hurts me in my sensitive region to be so sexy."

And I'm definitely not one to disregard valuable advice, so I let my hair down, put on some red, and made a come-hither-right-now look at the camera. Be careful, now. This picture could make the Leaning Tower of Pisa stand erect:

Alright. Take a deep breath. Try to cool down. There's more coming up.

2. "Taking photos in bathrooms is hot."

Source: Facebook, MySpace, Etcetera

On Facebook, I have noticed that a lot of people take pictures of themselves in bathrooms. I realize that people do this because most of the time, the bathroom has the largest mirror in the house and it's the only way one can take a picture of oneself with a crappy phone camera from farther away than two feet.

But it's still a weird habit. I mean, maybe I'm crazy, but when *I* go to the bathroom and I've just flushed the toilet and I'm washing my hands in front of bright fluorescent bathroom mirror lights, I do not think to myself, "You know what would be hot? Taking a picture with the toilet in the background."

But apparently, I am the crazy one. I accept that this actually might be the case. Thus, I took a picture of myself in the bathroom so that I can increase my overall extreme sexiness appeal. I also took it from an extra-hot angle, which is also a classic technique of Social Networking photography.

Read my blog! I AM A BATHROOM SEXPOT.

3. "Randomly lifting your arms to your head like you're being yelled at by the police is hot."

Source: Victoria's Secret, Other Fashion Magazines

This is a technique I often see on Victoria's Secret. I have no idea what the hell this move is supposed to represent, but typically, you've got this woman that's running in the surf on a beach, and she's looking at the camera with her arms positioned like this:

Usually, the model looks completely at ease with herself like, "I lift my arms over my head for pictures all the time!"

In reality, no one would ever think to do this naturally in front of a camera, ever. The gesture frankly reminds me of a police holdup, and I maintain that it is somewhat creepy:

Nevertheless, Victoria's Secret is successful and I am not, so here you go:

Do you not feel overwhelmed with crunchy sexy flavors?

4. "Smile."

5. "Hang out in the It Crowd."

Source: See "Tattoo sleeves that would be original if everyone I know didn't have them too," "My new band is even newer than your new band," and "I *only* drink microbrews…"

This is the part that takes my sexiness to a personal, deep, and meaningful level.

Since neither my roommate nor I are from Portland, we are trying to meet friends here. However, we have noticed that many people in Portland hang out in the It Crowd, which is actually impossible to break into, unless you are a self-righteous prick who will actually go out of your way to avoid getting to know certain kinds of people so that you can maintain a poorly-founded hatred of them.

What you need to be in the It Crowd also requires more money than I have the capability to spend. My roommate Terror said she saw a Smiths shirts in Portland that looked vintage and cool, and then she discovered that it was a mass-produced, pre-beaten Smiths shirt for like 30 dollars, and she was like "this is a lieeeeee!!!' Also, tattoo sleeves are extremely expensive. And no matter how many pre-ripped 100-dollar jeans you buy on your daddy's credit card, I've got news for you:

What defines the It Crowd is the fact that the It Crowd believes vehemently that it is the It Crowd. I don't really understand how people with this personality type make friends, because it would seem to me to be difficult to meet people when you are filled with hate to the brim. I guess it has to go like this:

My roommate Terror generously volunteered to use her face for an accurate representation of people in the It Crowd. In case you don't know anything at all about this critical demographic, I will break it down for you:

1. Eyes:

a. distant, couldn't-be-bothered

b. blatantly vacant

2. Mouth:

a. distant, couldn't-be-bothered

b. blatantly vacant

3. General demeanor

a. See above.

b. See above.

So here is our attempt to fit in with the It Crowd:

PLEASE CALL US, IT CROWD! YOU SEE, WE ARE COOL LIKE YOU!! Zombie Nephrologists Ate My Zygote's album, "Everything Sucks So Hard I Want To Fuck You In The Eyeball" was the best album ever!!

6. "Display your animalistic tendencies to get your man to that primal state."

Source: I read something like this in Cosmopolitan, which suggested that hard backscratches, biting, nibbling, and other "animalistic" behavior would really get a man going.

Anyway, I always notice that most women who display "animalistic tendencies" do things like stretch themselves out, rest in a sexy fashion on their forearms, and generally, perform a variety of catlike maneuvers.

I think this is incorrect, and frankly, not sexy. The Great Ape, after all, is our greatest relative, and if we as women want to display our more animalistic tendencies to men, we need to strive to be closer to the great Ape.

I also read somewhere that American men like the girl next door, so in this photo, I am demonstrating to you my animalistic tendencies while dressed up, more or less, like the colors of the American flag:

I believe that covers most, if not all, there is to sexiness. I would keep going, but I know that at this point, you are on the brink of total sexual explosion orgasmic annihilation, and I wouldn't want to make it any more overwhelming for you.

So if you're reading this, Cosmopolitan- I know that you know I'm the sexiest thing you've ever seen. I could also use some cash. It's a win-win situation Cosmopolitan. You hire me, and I take your magazine from sexy - to extreme!!!

-V

Your Girlfriend's Emotional Reactions Explained!!!

If you are a man who has ever been in a relationship with a woman, you have probably experienced what you think are random emotional reactions to entirely unrelated stimuli.

For instance, you could be standing around with your girlfriend, thinking about something like this:

But somehow, she believes that in reality, you're thinking this:

Contrary to what you might think, your girlfriend isn't doing this to drive you crazy. While both of you are designed to experience complex thoughts, your girlfriend has been practicing appearing happy while she is upset her whole life. When I was little, girls were encouraged to behave "like girls" (read: suppress anger) and whenever we reacted in a violent or aggressive fashion, we got comments like, "Don't behave like a boy," whereas boys were allowed to "be boys" - and even if one wound up grounded, he was subsequently vindicated. I remember this quote from Buffy the Vampire Slayer: "A black eye heals, but cowardice has an unlimited shelf life!"

To make it worse, the popular girls in school were always the sunny, girly, falsely-syrupy-sweet type who went out of their way to let the boys do the loud talking, and despised all girls that didn't share their passive-aggressive--clucking-chickens-in-a-coop attitude. For a long time, it didn't occur to me that *they* were mean and cold, not me. If I sound bitter, it's only because all of my attempts to befriend the popular girls, from elementary school all the way through graduate school, went like this:

That experience is a story for another time, but the point is, your girlfriend has been well trained to appear falsely happy even when she's nervous and tense. If you got yourself a self-confident nerdy girl who appears not to care about what anyone thinks, you better be sure that she spent a lot of time as a little girl crying by herself to achieve this psychological state.

So I am here to help you deal with some of the more common random emotional reactions to unrelated stimuli, and possibly, help you improve your relationship. You'll be so glad. Really.

1. She Asks "Is Something Wrong?" When Obviously, Nothing Is Wrong

There you are, standing around with your girl, feeling content about your relationship, when suddenly, this happens:

To you, this question appears to have come out of nowhere. In reality, your girlfriend has been thinking about this question since you both woke up this morning and she caught you looking sad in the kitchen. The fact that you looked sad because you had discovered that you were out of ground coffee is irrelevant. She assumes that somehow, the fact that you were upset is her fault, and she assumes this is true even if there is absolutely no logical way that it can be.

In this case, the greatest mistake you can make is engaging her worries. Do not do this, unless you're prepared for a really really really really long conversation:

Instead, try to deflect her attention. If you can sneak in a compliment into your response, you may be able to get her thinking about the compliment instead of whatever evil intentions she may have assigned to you in her head:

If you can deliver this sentence in a very convincing manner, you'll be golden. Most women would like to think that their boyfriends/husbands think Julia Roberts looks like a warthog.

2. You Make a Suggestion, and She Reacts As If It Is an Order

You must understand that if your girlfriend/wife attended a college that isn't Brigham Young, she will likely have learned about women's history in America, which is mostly this:

a. Man and Female Property get married.

b. Female Property becomes pregnant.

c. Male and Female relatives alike hope for a boy.

d. A girl (Mini Property) is born.

e. Before Female Property even stops bleeding from the first childbirth, Man starts talking about "trying for a boy."

Of course, there were men even then who didn't want a woman without a personality. Now, at the very least, men are allowed to take their desires for a woman with a personality public.

But the reason that the woman has a personality is because she has learned to stay away from insecure and aggressive men. Often, the male desire to control doesn't come out in a relationship until months, and maybe even years, have passed. She knows this from taking Wife Beaters and Emotional Manipulators 104, and even though she truly doesn't *believe* that you're this way, her inner strong woman feels the need to defend herself.

As a result, you may find yourself in a situation such as this:

I know that in this situation, you may feel somewhat emasculated. I guarantee that this is not your girlfriend's intent. In fact, she's usually delighted that you do manly things, like take her bag when you're going to the airport or offer to take out her extremely heavy bag of trash - or look all hungry-with-wanting at her whenever she walks around the house in nothing but panties and combat boots.

But for whatever reason, today her I'm Sick Of Chauvinism characteristic has come to the surface - and it has nothing to do with hating men generally, or hating you specifically. Let me give you an example:

I went to a job interview where the male interviewer suggested that I may be 'too confident' - and after it hit me that this sentence is something a man would never say to another man, I wanted to go back and quite literally, bite his mouth off his face, so that he'd never say it to anyone again. I spent the day brooding, thinking that women would be fucked over forever and ever and that every man on the planet was ultimately a controlling motherfucker who wanted me to become Female Property.

But then I visited HawkingGirl, and her two year old son gave me a big kiss, and said, cutely mispronouncing my name, "HI HI HI EN!" and then I had hope for men again.

I understand that you may not have a cute two year old boy at your disposal, so my suggestion is that early on in your relationship, you acquire an arsenal of cute stuffed animals to present to her when she turns into a ball of extreme rage:

Of course, there are certain days when this won't help, and instead, this will happen:

In this situation, I suggest moving carefully out of her line of vision and staying out of her way until her mind has stopped grouping you in with The 1890's Man Who Wants to Keep Her Down.

3. You Make a Small Criticism about an Ultimately Insignificant Problem, and She Acts as if the Relationship is Over

This story usually unfolds like this:

What you are probably thinking when you approach her is: "Why can she NEVER remember that the dishwasher does not scrub plates?"

But what she's thinking you're thinking is: "SHE IS THE WORST GIRLFRIEND OF ALL TIME AND I HATE HER WITH A FIERY VENGEANCE!"

And so, if you encounter this scenario, do not under any circumstances do this:

If you do not make her cry, you will make her angry, and she will turn around and say, "Oh yeah? You're the one that blah blah blah!!!" - and then once again, you're in a really really really really long conversation.

So, if you have a girlfriend with a tendency to do this, my suggestion is:

Wait. She'll get over this one eventually.

Probably.

I hope this helps you, boyfriend or husband. Now go, acquire stuffed animals!

-V

I Am Pimple, Here to TAKE OVER YOUR LIFE!!!

A few days ago, I was standing three inches away from the mirror in the bathroom, cursing a pimple on my face the size of Yellowstone National Park. I think perceived dysmorphia is a common psychological experience with breakouts, so no matter how rational my thinking patterns are on a day to day basis, one bad pimple can make it seem as if my whole face has been taken over by the Monster of Hideousness.

So even if other people see this:

I see this:

As I get older, the sudden unexpected appearance of random pimples angers me even more. What's often insult to injury is that the pimples themselves are barricaded in an underground tunnel with heavy weaponry, approximately twelve feet below the surface of the skin. They can remain there for weeks at a time, taunting me.

At some point, I decide to go on a full-on war against the pimple. I head to the pharmacy in a huff, determined to acquire all the modern chemical waste necessary to destroy the pimple. I engage the pimple in psychological warfare, as if my conviction of my superiority will make it disappear.

In a stress-filled daze of rage, I attack the pimple with 400% benzoyl peroxide, hydrochloric acid, and mustard gas. However, the pimple, having had over twenty-five years to prepare itself for battle, usually only gets enraged at this attack, and subsequently, becomes worse.

And then, I start feeling paranoid. I worry that everyone I encounter will see nothing else but the pimple on my face. I begin to avoid even rudimentary social interaction. When the neighbors knock on the door, I hide in the kitchen with the laptop, out of the way of windows. No matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, I firmly believe that the pimple on my face has rendered me a cross between a gargoyle and an amoeba.

Of course, eventually the pimple does go away, and I can once again walk freely in society. For a short time, I am allowed to experience what's left of my fleeting youth without high school era facial distractions. Sometimes, I even succeed in convincing myself that maybe, that last time *was* the last appearance of the underground bacterial venomous pimply evil.

But deep down, I know the new life-destroying pimple is already in the War Zone twelve feet underground, calculating, waiting for that perfect sunny day to once again rear its ugly head:

-V